


Steve's Little Secret

by TheBananasaurus



Category: Captain America (Movies), Stucky - Fandom
Genre: But oh Jesus do I have a lot of Stucky fics, Help, I can't stop, I'll add pictures and GIFs later, If this is popular I might actually keep it up, M/M, Trans Steve, Trans Steve Rogers, intersex steve, pre-serum steve, pre-war stucky, trans-intersex Steve
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2018-09-11 23:31:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9042224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBananasaurus/pseuds/TheBananasaurus
Summary: Despite growing up together, and even sharing an experimental first-kiss as young boys, Steve and Bucky kept a few things - like their mutual feelings - from each other. There were just certain things not acceptable, what with the time period, and their Irish-Catholic upbringing.Steve, however... has a little secret that really isn't all that little. As if it weren't enough being skinny as a rail and frail as a leaf in autumn, he's also what he considers a freak of nature. How could he possibly ever tell his best friend something like that?





	1. With Death Comes a New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [ **Author's Note:** _The first half of the chapter is just a flashback from CA:WS, written out to show Bucky and Steve's thoughts. Skip to the second part ("Bucky's Apartment, Several Weeks Later") for original content, if you're uninterested._
> 
>  
> 
> _And for those who think being trans/intersex and raised as a preferred gender during WWII isn't plausible, see the notes at the end of the chapter._
> 
>  
> 
>  _P.S. Yes, I created the trans-intersex pride flag (the trans flag integrated into the intersex flag), as well as the Captain America trans-intersex flag. For more information about being trans-intersex, go here: http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Trans-Intersex_ ]

* * *

__

_**Afternoon, After Sarah Rogers' Funeral** _

 

* * *

 

**“We looked for you after. My folks wanted to give you a ride from the cemetery.”**

Steve kept his eyes glued to his shoes as he walked up the stairs to his apartment, Bucky shadowing him close behind. He sighed, softly, feeling a little guilty that he’d snubbed his best friend’s parents’ generosity.

**“I know, I’m sorry. I just…kind of wanted to be alone.”**

Bucky turned his head to the side for a moment, but didn’t pursue it. He wanted to know more about how Steve was doing during his mother’s funeral. His only family left in the world, gone. Poor guy.

**“How was it?”** he murmured, shoes tramping a bit loudly on the stairs.

Steve didn’t shrug, didn’t move his body at all, other than numbly continuing to climb. **“S’okay. She’s next to Dad.”**

To this, Bucky wasn’t sure what to say. They’d both been raised Irish Catholic, and he knew Steve believed in Heaven, but he wasn’t sure repeating the old ‘she’s in a better place’ thing right now was a good idea. Steve had probably heard it a hundred times today, anyway.

They reached the landing, and the taller man finally gathered up the courage to say what he _knew_ he wanted to say as the blonde pushed his bangs out of his face.

**“I was gonna ask--”**

Steve cut him off without even looking back at him. **“I know what you’re gonna say, Buck, I just…”**

They reached the door, and Steve trailed off as he started searching his pockets for his key. Bucky kept right on chugging, determined as all hell to get his offer out on the table.

**“We can put the couch cushion on the floor like when we were kids,”** he said, shaking his head in lieu of a nonchalant shrug. **“It’ll be fun. All you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash.”**

He backed up and toed aside a brick as Steve turned his head to look over his shoulders, his own brows furrowed in mild frustration. The brunette straightened up and offered him the key with one final plea. **“Come on.”**

Steve took the key and glowered down at it as if it were the bane of his existence, but lifted his eyes to meet his friend’s, shadowed though they were by the hard line of his knitted brow.

**“Thank you, Buck, but I can get by on my own.”**

Bucky shifted his weight to one side, not quite matching their gazes at first. **“Thing is…”** he muttered, shaking his head again before finally looking into those troubled blue-grays. **“You don’t have to.”**

The smaller man merely stared back at him, his lips pursed and a crease forming at the center of his forehead. Bucky braced his hand on his shoulder, gripping him and giving him a little shake and comforting squeeze. He endeavored to keep their eyes locked together, unblinkingly watching him from underneath his own eyebrows.

**“I’m with ya ‘till the end of the line, pal.”**

 

* * *

 

_ **Bucky's Apartment, Several Weeks Later** _

__

* * *

 

It took a surprisingly short amount of time to break Steve’s stubborness, what with Bucky’s constant hinting, even wheedling. At length, the pair found themselves carrying what little Steve had to Bucky’s apartment, and the two were bonafide roomies.

Weeks later, as Steve stepped out of the bath in the place they now shared, he heard the front door open and close and smirked softly to himself; Bucky was home early today for his birthday celebration that Steve had planned.

The blonde started toweling himself off, starting with his hair, so with the fabric about his ears, he was unable to hear the doorknob to the bathroom turning.

**“Oh, shit, sorry bud-”** he heard Bucky curse, jolting Steve so much that he stumbled back a few steps, caught his heel on the rim of the tub, and went crashing down into it. Trying to get up quickly despite the pain blooming out from his injured tailbone, he grabbed the shower curtains and yanked, but instead of helping him up, the rod came free and tumbled down atop him, until towel, curtains, and his limbs all settled into a jumble.

**“Oh my God, Steve, are you okay?!”** asked Bucky, breathless, as he lunged forward, crouching to lend a hand.

Steve grimaced, trying to make sure his crotch was covered in in the throes of agony. **“Y-yeah, I’m fine…”**

**“Liar,”** muttered Bucky, as Steve finally grabbed his hand and stood, clutching the towel to himself. The curtain billowed from his meager frame, draping over the edge of the tub and across to floor. The blonde had to step carefully to avoid it, lest he slip again.

**“Well, nothing’s broken, at least,”** retorted Steve, before clearing his throat. **“O-ok, I’m fine. You can leave now.”**

Bucky hesitated as their hands fell away from each other. He’d seen something he hadn’t expected when he walked in on his friend, and he was damned sure he needed some answers… but maybe he could give the fella some breathing room for a while, let him recover some of that lost pride.

** “Okay, pal. I’ll be in the living room if you need me, just gimme a holler--” **

**“I’m** **_fine_ ** **, Bucky,”** growled Steve, glaring down at the floor as his entire body flushed with heat. His mind swam, trying to come up with excuses for what he knew Bucky had seen, but came up with bupkis. The larger man bobbed his head silently and left, closing the door again behind him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	2. A Nightmare-Turned-Waking Dream

* * *

 

**_ Bucky's Apartment, Some Time Later _ **

 

* * *

 

After half an hour, Steve finally emerged from the bathroom, fully clothed in his undershirt and trousers held up by his overalls.

**“Hey,”** he muttered, eyes skittering off to look at the far wall - anything to avoid those of his friend, who was sitting on the sofa and openly staring at him.

**“Hey, there,”** replied Bucky carefully, opening his mouth to say more, but pausing and tilting his head doggishly first. **“We gonna… talk about what I just saw?”**

Steve’s jaw clenched, audibly popping his temples, and his face was flooded anew with scarlet. **“Really don’t want to…”** he began, crossing the room slowly, each step as if his shoes were made of lead.

Bucky patted the couch cushion next to him, but Steve sat in the arm chair opposite him instead, earning a soft frown from the brunette.

**“Buuut…?”** pushed Bucky.

Steve grimaced and forced himself to look his buddy in the eyes. Full of questions, full of sympathy, plus… a little of something else. Hurt? Was Bucky hurt that Steve had never told him about this? **“I guess it’s a little overdue,”** Steve relented.

**“Ya think? We grew up together, and not once did you mention you had a--”**

Something defensive and angry blossomed within Steve’s chest, and he flared his nostrils as he snapped back. **“What was I supposed to say, huh? ‘** **_Hey, Buck, thanks for the egg-creams. Oh, by the way, I have a vagina’?”_ **

Bucky winced, visibly stricken by something Steve couldn’t place. Had he been too rough? Was his own embarrassment turning him into a jerk?

But, no. The larger man sighed softly and stood up from the sofa, stepping over to stand behind Steve and slide his palm onto the bony shoulder. **“I’m sorry, Stevie,”** he whispered. **“I didn’t… I mean, call me a dumbass, but how does that even happen? You’re… you’re a guy.”**

Steve said nothing, but as he was touched, his body tensed, and he had to fight the urge to jerk away from it. Yes… yes, he’s a man. He’d spent a lot of years questioning that, but by now, he knew - he was a guy, 100%, just… a little mixed up downstairs.

The silence that extended between them was heavy, but neither of them moved. Finally, Steve inhaled slowly through his nose and huffed out through pursed lips.

**“When I was born, I had… inbetween parts…”** he said, so soft, Bucky had to kneel to hear him.

**“Before my mom could decide which one she wanted - how she wanted to raise me - the doctor… snipped off the rest. Said it would be easier for me that way.”**

Again, Bucky winced, but this time, Steve could quite understand why; he knew how attached guys were to their penises. Talk of ‘snipping’ anything would make _anyone_ uncomfortable, though. Circumcision was one thing, but completely cutting off something? That was… a little different in Steve’s eyes.

**“Oh,** **_Stevie…_ ** **”** sighed Bucky in the same empathetic whisper. His breath brushed over the side of Steve’s face, making it inexplicably warmer.

In spite of the other man’s reaction, Steve continued, his voice droning and toneless as he detached himself emotionally from his past.

** “But my mom… she'd always wanted a boy, so she raised me like one. Guess I was kinda fortunate the right kind of puberty kicked in despite me not having… the right parts.”**

He took in another breath, finding his chest uncomfortably tight. **“Something with hormones or something. One of the doctors I went to said my balls’re somewhere up inside me or… something. Maybe I have one of everything.** ** _Who the heck knows?”_** Steve shrugged, finishing with a little bit more sting to his words than he meant.

God, this was so weird. _He_ was weird. Wrong. Everything about him was _wrong._ He thought he’d come to peace with this a long time ago, but explaining it, out-loud, to Bucky… somehow all his confusion, self-loathing, and disgust in himself riled up. His stomach turned and his lips pressed into a thin line as bile rose up in his throat.

But… instead of Bucky running for the hills, or throwing him out, calling him a freak of nature… he slid the palm on Steve’s shoulder around to the other one, and tugged him to his chest as the other arm encircled the blonde in a bear hug.

**“D-dammit,”** cursed Steve, as the rims of his eyes stung and vision blurred with moisture. He buried his face in Bucky’s shoulder and willed away the tears that all but proved he wasn’t man enough. When he spoke again, his voice was muffled by the fabric of his friend’s shirt.

**“I’m s-sorry I never told you, pal, it’s just - well - I never told** **_anybody_ ** **. S’why I never… went to the bathroom at school. I always held it, because I was… because I’m…”**

**“You’re** **_perfect,”_ ** murmured Bucky, tucking his chin over Steve’s nape. The blonde swallowed hard, but didn’t argue. **“Sure, it was a shock, at first, but it doesn’t matter what you got down there, Steve. You’re still the same person to me. Still the same guy.”**

Something about the naked, raw intimacy of the moment spurred Bucky into an action he’d long thought of, but never had the courage to do. He shifted slightly as Steve reciprocated the hug, moving his face up past the other man’s ear until his lips were pressed, feather-soft, to Steve’s cheek.

Again, Steve froze. Was… was Bucky _kissing_ him?

He had to make sure. Make sure this wasn’t some fever dream, or worse, a _wet_ dream. **“Bucky…?”** he croaked, his throat apparently dry as a bone.

Before answering, Bucky pulled one of the arms wrapped about Steve’s torso away and smoothed his fingers into the cornsilk locks at his temple. **“Yeah…?”** he said, his own voice inexplicably husky.

This couldn’t be a dream. This was too real. Steve could feel his friend’s breath on his ear, feel those pillowy soft lips leaving another hesitant kiss. **“Am I goin’ too far, buddy?”** asked Bucky. Most guys, if he had done this to them, would’ve given him a sucker-punch straight to his jaw if he’d tried this on ‘em.

But he didn’t want any other guys. He wanted _Steve._ Even _with_ the unconventional ‘plumbing.’

**“N-no…”** stammered Steve, subconsciously hugging Bucky tighter and clutching a fistful of his shirt as if he were scared he’d suddenly run away.

**“That’s good,”** replied Bucky, and the upward curve of his lips was briefly felt on Steve’s cheek until he pulled his head back and showed the blonde that cocky, lop-sided smile that always made his stomach do flips.

**“I always kinda hoped you were soft on me, too, but I never got up the balls to say somethin’.”**

Dark lashes hooded low over Bucky’s eyes, and Steve could see the soft color in his cheeks. Oh, Christ, did he have an adorable mug.

Steve managed to crack a little smile of his own, teeth flashing on one side. Even though he was pretty certain he wasn’t dreaming, he still felt delirious - light-headed. This had been one hell of an evening. **"Guess we both kept some pretty big secrets from each other.”**

**_“Heh,_ yeah,” ** chuckled Bucky, suddenly standing up. Steve’s brow crumpled a bit with clear disappointment, but he let his vice-like grip loosen and give way. As he watched, his friend went back over to the couch and, once again, lowered himself into it before patting the cushion beside him.

Steve gulped and found his throat was still too dry but… after a moment’s hesitation, he got up and sat beside Bucky. The brunette lifted the calloused pads of his fingers beneath Steve’s jaw and tipped his face upward. The smaller man’s tongue dabbed nervously at his bottom lip, as if in preparation.

Bucky’s smirk widened and he ducked his head down, letting his lids draw closed as he pressed his lips to his friend’s, soft and yet imploring.

A small sound sighed through Steve’s nose as he mirrored the other, closing his eyes and leaning into the kiss. As if urged on by that sound, Bucky’s mouth parted just slightly and his tongue slipped from its confines to testingly run along the bottom of Steve’s lips.

_Oh, God, he’s really doing it. He’s kissing me. Oh, **God,** what do I **do?** _

Immediately, Steve’s already parched throat closed up and his already tightened lungs felt like they’d ceased to function. Noticing Steve going rigid, Bucky allowed their lip lock to break with a soft ‘smack.’

**“Breathe, Stevie… just breathe through your nose…”** he whispered, pulling Steve’s hand to his own far broader, more sculpted chest. Steve did as he was told, mimicking the steady breath-rate of the other man. In and out. In and out.

As his body started to unclench, Bucky tried again, forming his mouth about the other’s and once more asking for entry with his tongue. Steve opened his lips and permitted this, fluttering his lashes as the moist muscle invaded nearly virgin-territory.

A memory flashed in Steve’s head, of long ago, when they were both still kids and too young to understand that two boys weren’t supposed to be experimenting with each other. They had shared their first kiss in the coat room at school during recess, but… neither of them had brought it up ever again.

And though Bucky had had many, _many_ partners, Steve’s lips hadn’t been touched by another since that innocent day, when he first felt the dull ache in his trousers that he later learned was physical longing.

Suddenly, Bucky pulled away again, chuckling airily as he cocked his head and nuzzled his nose into Steve’s cheek. **“Been a while since you been kissed, huh, pal?”** he teased.

Steve opened his eyes, gulping in a breath as a nervous titter bubbled out of him before he could catch it. **“Not since you, Buck,”** he admitted, a renewed sense of shame prickling his cheeks and ears with more color.

**“Huh,”** breathed Bucky, seemingly surprised. **“And here I was, jealous as all hell of those girls I set you up with.”**

The blonde nibbled at his flushed, moistened lips and averted his gaze sideways beneath sandy lashes. **“Nah. None of ‘em even got close enough to touch me… Besides, even if they had, it wouldn’t have gone anywhere, because… well. You know.”**

**“Because God** **_forbid_ ** **a girl might actually like playin’ with another pussy,”** retorted Bucky, cracking a grin and peppering kisses slowly along Steve’s jaw.

**“Uh-uhm… Yeah,”** Steve managed, that familiar ache down south cropping up with the use of such salty language. Christ, why did Bucky talking like that always make him go wild? And that mouth! Everywhere Bucky kissed, Steve felt his skin set aflame. **“Pretty sure most wouldn’t, buddy…”**

Bucky laughed again, and stole a quick smooch that left Steve without air all over again. **“Mmh… well I guess that’s what makes me an’ them different then. Lucky me, huh?”**

_What?!_

Steve choked on his own saliva and turned his head away to cough. **“Y-you’d still wanna…? Even though I’m a--?”** he sputtered out.

_A freak? A mix-up? An abomination?_

When he looked back, he saw Bucky biting his own lip, his cute little snaggletooth catching on the pillowy, rosy flesh. Those eyes of his were appraising Steve like a hunk of juicy steak.

**“Mhm~”** hummed Bucky, daring to lay one of his hands on Steve’s thigh and slide it up. **“What’d I say before, Steve? You’re perfect - for me, at least. Other people don’t matter much, anyway, right?”**

In spite of fear spiking his gut and clearing out some of the fuzziness in his brain, he nodded slowly, a shy smile peaking through. **“...Right.”**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ **Author's Note:** _I've had this rolling around in my head despite working on my many other fanfics, so I finally posted it. What do you guys thing, should I continue this one too, or leave it as-is?_
> 
>  _*EDIT* Thanks for all the input, lovelies! I'm gonna charge ahead with this one thanks to you!_ ]


	3. What Am I To You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ **Author's Note:** _Psyche! No smut yet, sorry, but I AM continuing, so yay! Steve's got a whole lot of dysphoria (that didn't have a word at the time, at leats not widely known to non-psychological circles) that most (not all) transgender, non-binary, and intersex people deal with on a daily basis. That needs some dealing with before things can go further, but Bucky's got a good handle on his ol' pal, don't you worry._ ]

As if of its own accord, Steve’s hand whipped up and grabbed Bucky’s - the one that was getting a little too close to Steve’s mixed-up genitals. **“Wait,”** he said, voice suddenly hard, defensive.

Bucky’s brow and lips puckered together and he looked up from where he’d been staring, pupils constricting slightly from their fuzzy, dilated state. Something was definitely wrong. **“Steve, is--?”**

**“Is the only reason you like me now because I got a pu-- girl parts?”** demanded Steve, cloudy blue eyes hardening to unforgiving slate as his own brows formed a gnarled shelf over them.

Bucky took in a small, silent gasp, trying to slip his hand away. Steve gripped him harder. **“N-no, that’s  - I told you, I just never had the balls to say--”**

Steve cut him off again with a harsh bark of laughter, finally releasing him and jerking his head away to stare, livid, at the bathroom door across the room.

**“Hah! That’s right - ‘** **_didn’t have the balls’_ ** **\- real rich, Barnes.”**

Even Steve didn’t understand why he was suddenly in such a mood, but something about the thought of Bucky inexplicably sprouting feelings for him out of nowhere had set something off. For a few awkward, tense seconds, the two men sat there, Bucky opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water.

**“That’s-- I didn’t mean--!”**

Finally, however, it hit him; the reason Bucky wanted him all-of-the-sudden. He turned his head back to him and regarded him coldly even as his heart felt like it were being cloven in two by a frozen butcher’s knife.

**“You want me because you think of me as a dame now, don’tchya? Now that you know I don’t got what a real man’s got, suddenly I’m up for grabs?”**

**“Wh-what?”** Bucky stammered, eyes blowing wide. Steve would see how deeply his words had cut into him, but nothing in the bewildered, hurt expression he saw counter-acted his point.

**“Steve, if you don’t wanna do stuff with me, you just gotta say so, you don’t have to--”**

Steve clenched his jaw and flung his arms in the air so violently, Bucky had to quickly duck backwards out of their reach. **“That’s not what this is about, you jerk! You’ve never said a damn thing about it before, but now that you saw what I have, ‘Oh, hey, I can screw him now, he’s got girl parts!’ Oh, but wait, I ain’t even a ‘he’ to you, am I, now? Ain’t that right? Now I’m ‘S-Stephanie’ allova sudden?!”**

His voice had broken upon voicing the name his parents would’ve given him would he been born a normal girl, and he clutched his heaving chest as he wheezed in a breath.

Instead of helping him calm down from yet another attack, Bucky shot up from the couch like a spooked cat. **“Steve, what the HELL are you talking about?! I’ve been in love with you since we were kids, you idiot!”**

Steve had grimaced after his rant as his lungs seized up, but then mouth gaping, he heard the word ‘love’ and his eyes flashed up to Bucky’s, the rims stinging again. Dammit.

**“-- Why’re you hollering at me? ‘The fuck did I do?!”** Bucky shouted, shrugging and raising his hands to the side.

They stared at one another, each defensive, each feeling vulnerable and attacked. They both had revealed so much, and Steve… Steve was starting to think that maybe his insecurities had shadowed his vision in dark, murky colors.

He clenched his jaw again, popping his temples out, and sniffed once as he broke their eye contact. When he spoke again next, his voice was soft. Ashamed.

**“I’m… sorry, Buck. I’m sorry. I dunno what that was. S’just my messed up brain, I guess. Part of me will always think I’m a dame because of what I got downstairs. It’s got nothin’ to do with you. I’m sorry.”**

He heard Bucky sigh softly, and the floorboards creaking as he came back to the couch and slowly, gingerly, re-seated himself next to Steve. He didn’t say anything, because, likely, he didn’t know what he possibly could say to help. Steve put his elbows on his knees and dropped his forehead into his palms.

**“I’m really screwed up, buddy. You don’t want a part of this… But if it means anything, I… I love you too. For as long as I can remember.”**

A wide, warm palm cupped at his curled spine, and he stiffened and first, but let out a sigh of his own and forced himself to relax as Bucky slid his hand up his back. Strong fingers worked into his tensed shoulder.

**“It means everything to me, Stevie,”** Bucky murmured. Steve sniffed again, forcing back tears and the run-off in his nose. Ugh.

**“You** **_are_ ** **a man, no matter what anybody, including your own noggin, says. If you feel like a man, then you are one - end of story. Doesn’t matter what you got down there, doesn’t matter that it sometimes makes you think you’re not. Don’t listen to those thoughts, buddy. Listen to what you got inside. That’s what makes the man.”**

Steve swallowed, his throat thick, and raised his head from his hands to return his gaze to Bucky’s once more. He searched the other man’s face for any sign of patronization, but all he saw were soft, pale eyes and a warm, empathetic smile.

The fingers working into his shoulder stopped to cup Steve’s cheek and swipe a roughly-padded thumb across it to wipe away a tear Steve hadn’t known had escaped. **“I see you as a man. I dunno what suddenly gave me the courage to admit what I’ve been hiding our whole lives, but… maybe it was because you lead the way.”**

God, this was so mushy. Like one of those cheap romance novels you could buy at the drugstore. He’d flipped through one of them out of sheer curiosity, but had been too embarrassed to buy it… and too poor to afford it, anyway. A shame. Maybe he’d know what to say next if he’d read the whole thing.

Oh well. Maybe if he just started talking, things would make sense eventually.

**“Th… Thank you, Bucky,”** he said, managing the smallest of smiles of his own. **“I… I guess I really needed to hear that. Maybe I should go to a shrink. I don’t want you kissin’ on a loony, heh.”**

He chuckled, but it sounded forced even to his own ears. Bucky’s lips thinned, pressing together tightly, but the smile remained for a half-second until he spoke. **“I’ll take you, if you think you need it. Might help. But you’re not a loony, Steve. We all got issues - you just gotta find a way to like yourself a little more.”**

**“Yeah,”** smirked Steve, closing his eyes and leaning into Bucky’s palm. **“Probably.”**

Weight shifted beside him and he felt those impossibly warm, soft lips on his skin again, pressing gently to his forehead. **“Definitely. Shrink or no shrink, I want you to see what I see.”**

Steve’s eyes fluttered open as Bucky’s fingers threaded through the hair at his temple again.

**“Oh yeah? An’ whad’you see?”**

**“The strongest man I’ve ever known. The guy I’d be blessed to spend the rest of my life with,”** said Bucky, lips peeling back into a goofy, lovestruck grin.

_Oh, boy,_ Steve thought. _Oh boy, oh boy...._


	4. Ga-Ga For You

The two men could’ve stayed like that forever, as horribly cliche as that was, as far as Steve was concerned. Just having Bucky sift his fingers through his hair, tucking an errant blonde bang behind his ear, and watching the love openly play upon his ruggedly handsome features like sunshine dawning on a Grecian statue… it was Heaven.

Alas, Bucky continued, taking in a small breath before doing so as he snapped out of his doe-eyed stare.

**“--And, uh, listen, if you ever start thinking I only want you because I think of you as some skirt again, you just remember - I’m a big ol’ queer for you, Rogers. A homosexual. A fag. All of it. You’re a man, and that’s all I’ll ever think of you as -- my best guy.”**

Bucky leaned forward and Steve went momentarily cross-eyed as their foreheads met. He could smell and feel Bucky’s warm breath, swirling around his face and immediately sending a curtain of fog down over his thoughts. He fought to control his own breathing and concentrated on the veritable monologue rolling endlessly from his boyhood crush’s lips.

**“I don’t care what lovin’ you makes me, or what all those priests said to us growing up -- because feelings like this… they can’t be wrong. I don’t want a girl. I want** **_you.”_ **

Steve was… speechless. He blinked over and over again, trying to keep Bucky’s face in focus, but as close as it was, the endeavor was impossible. His heart was thudding so fast, it felt like it was going to shatter his rib-cage, or leap straight out of his throat. All he could hear was his own pulse now, whooshing in his ears as if he were caught in a whirlpool.

Before even he knew what _he_ was doing, he had tilted his head, and crushed his lips to Bucky’s with near-violent passion.

**“Mmph?!”** Bucky inhaled sharply, unable to yelp his surprise with how fiercely Steve was sealing his mouth shut. After a second or so, however, he melted into it, sighing through his nose and pressing his much more experienced lips against the other’s.

With a soft _‘smeck,’_ and the sound of Steve panting, they parted, and once again gazed into each other’s eyes. A crooked grin tilted onto Bucky’s moistened lips.

**“What was that for, bud?”** he whispered, chuckling soundlessly.

**“For a guy who says he’s no good with words, you’re smooth as butter, Barnes. No wonder all them girls go ga-ga for you.”**

Steve’s face brightened with a windblown show of teeth, before his eyes skittered down and he rubbed the back of his head. **“But… if you mean what you’re sayin’ - and you’ve never really lied to me like that - then… those girls are gonna be waitin’ in line for ya for a long, long time.”**

Bucky snickered, ruffling Steve’s hair playfully. **“Quit it!”** Steve laughed, trying to bat away Bucky’s arm. Instead, though, the hand went right back to cupping his face, and his goofy grin fell away from his face to be replaced by questioning, pursed lips.

**“Until the end of the line, remember? I meant it the same way I did then, but… now you know I didn’t mean as just buddies. That’s the only difference. I ain’t chasing women around as long as I have you,”** Bucky murmured, lids lowering half-way.

Steve couldn’t help himself. He wrinkled his nose and snorted. **“Yeah? Good, ‘cuz if you go on any more dates with girls alone, I’ll pop you so hard in the face we’ll** **_both_ ** **need a doctor.”**

Bucky’s snaggletooth peaked over the edge of his bottom lip for a moment as he bit into it, seeming to be lost just at the sight of little ol’ Steve Roger’s expression alone. **“Deal… Stevie.”**

Once again, Steve’s eyes went wide and the already cheerful, rosy hue to his cheeks and ears bloomed across his entire body. That nick-name… He’d always loved the way Bucky said it. He was the only one allowed to call him that, because of this.

In an instant, Steve discovered that he was incapable of inhaling or exhaling. He was stuck -- frozen in place, even as his mind and heart raced faster than a speeding bullet. Not for the first time, he felt like he wanted to tackle Bucky and cover him in kisses… but this was the first time he might actually get a chance.

So what was he scared of, then? What was stopping him?

**“S...Steve?”** prodded Bucky, fretfully creasing his brow. Shaken from his reverie by the single word, the concern in his friend’s voice, Steve closed his eyes and leaned forward again. This time, he heard Bucky prepare himself by inhaling slowly, and felt the other hand come up to frame his head like its twin.

Carefully, gingerly, Bucky molded his lips to Steve’s, and - third time’s the charm - slid his tongue into Steve’s mouth, slowly rolling it along the other’s. They kissed for what was likely mere moments, but to Steve, it felt like it simultaneously lasted a split-second, and a century. His mind was too busy marveling at the way Bucky deftly explored his mouth, occasionally pulling back to suckle on his lip, only to delve right back in, twining his tongue with Steve’s laughably limp-noodle of a muscle.

The ache between his legs, deep within, grew in strength until it was unbearable. Until he could _feel_ the most hated part of his anatomy _throbbing_ to feel Bucky’s touch. An airy whine was muffled against Bucky’s skillful lips.

In response, Bucky pulled back, parting their mouths from one another. **“Wha’s wrong?”** he asked breathlessly, speech thick and slurred.

_Dammit. Dammit all straight to Hell._

Steve didn’t like touching himself in the bath because it reminded him of what he didn’t have, and it felt weird, in his head. There was a disconnect there, between the image he had in his head, and the harsh reality of his body.

So… what would it feel like to have someone _else_ touching him? God, he wanted it more than anything, but… at the same time, it was the _last_ thing he wanted.

Maybe… if they just went really, really slow. He knew Bucky would stop if he told him to. It was worth a shot, right?

**“Nothin’, I’m just… Listen, could…”** Steve began, briefly chewing on his bottom lip before slipping a long-fingered hand around one of Bucky’s. He looked him in the eyes and tried to spell it out as plainly as he could. **“Could you try… just** **_pressing_ ** **on my… Well, ya know. O-over the clothes.”**

Bucky couldn’t hide the flicker of a smile that had twitched on his face, but it was quickly and dutifully hidden. Oh, yeah, Steve had seen it. The excitement was palpable even without that little slip-up.

**“Yeah! I mean, uhm, sure,”** Bucky shrugged, oh-so nonchalantly. **“Of course. Just tell me if things go too far for ya, huh?”**

Steve nodded, unable to speak and not quite sure what he’d say anyway, and let go of Bucky’s hand. Bucky nodded as well, then leaned back in to once more capture the blonde’s lips.

As nervous as he was, those damn lips were like a drug, simultaneously soothing him, giving him little shocks of energy, and leaving him thirsty for more. They dulled the gut-wrenching uneasiness about this whole issue nicely, that was for sure.

And then, that hand of Bucky’s was traveling south, unimpeded by Steve’s this time, and all Steve could think of was not to up-chuck on his friend-lover. That was hardly sexy.

C'mon, Stevie-Boy. He could do this. He could do this. He could _DO_ this!


	5. I Promise It'll Be Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ _ **Author's Note:** NSFW for a teensy bit of actual smut, this time. Go for the gold, boys._
> 
>  _Side-note: my main Stucky fic,['Good Enough (Part Two)'](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8391949) is the next to be updated. Thanks for your patience, my dears!_ ]

That hand. That devilish, experienced hand seemed like a sinful snake to Steve, stopping on its intended route only to give Steve’s tensed thigh a slow squeeze. Even this was enough to send another pulse between his legs and, in spite of himself and his insecurities, he lifted his hips off the couch by just an inch if only to feel Bucky’s fingers faster.

Yet, as much experience as Bucky had, as many times as he’d explored this area on so many others, there was… hesitancy. A tentative pinky brushed lightly over Steve’s groin - not enough to give him any relief, but enough of a hint of things to come. He tried to give his friend a clearer message that he was alright with proceeding by testing out another sound.

Sucking in a breath through his nose, Steve then let a deep, guttural noise hum in his throat. It sounded like overkill to him. Too much. Maybe he should reel it back a little--

Then, Bucky, hearing his ‘best guy’ _moan_ against him, took the bait hook, line, and sinker. The fingers holding Steve’s face tangled possessively in his hair and the ones below… well.

They sunk whole-heartedly between Steve’s thighs and the two middle digits pressed confidently against the aching hole.

_Ch-Christ!_

The pressure made his meager frame convulse. He grabbed onto Bucky’s wrist with both hands and _ground_ his needy, hardened bud into the heel of his friend’s palm.

The suddenness, the violence with which he’d done so actually _spooked_ poor Bucky, who gasped, leaned away, and tried to yank his arm free.

**“Ste--!?”**

**“N-no, please, I’m sorry,”** wheedled Steve digging his blunted nails in like a cat clawing its newfound prey, unwilling to let go.

He opened his eyes to look at Bucky, but… the guy had a face as if he’d seen a ghost. Like he was really scared. Like he was…

Revolted.

Steve swallowed as his stomach roiled, and he released his friend to instead plant his hands over his face and grimace, ashamed. **“I-I’m sorry, I dunno what happened, I just… You touched something and it felt good -- to me -- but you’re... You… Look, I know it’s a wreck down there, I get it. You don’t have to say nothin’. Just lemme get to my room and we’ll forget all the stuff we said--”**

**“Steve…”** Bucky cooed, gently, like a dove calling to its mate in the gloaming hours before daybreak. **“Hey, it’s okay…”**

Those same fingers, rough-hewn and firm, guided the panicking man’s hands from his eyes. **“I’m sorry I reacted like that. I wasn’t expectin’ you to latch on to me,”** he explained, ducking his head to try to catch Steve’s gaze.

The blonde sighed and worked his jaw as he peered up at his friend from beneath sandy lashes. The face he’d seen before -- shock, terror -- had it all been in his mind? Had he read into it too much? Because the expression he saw now…

**“It was actually really… sexy,”** admitted Bucky, the hint of a bashful smile quirking onto his lips. **“The way you… Heh, I mean, not just the way you did that but… what I got to feel. Definitely not a wreck.”**

Steve lay his hands on his thighs, which he’d clapped together reflexively. Again, he swallowed, but he wasn’t about to trust himself to say much, other than two words. **“No foolin’? You’re not… You didn’t think it was gross?”**

The smile flicked into a grin, then, Bucky tugged on Steve’s wrist again. Instead of down from his face, however, the Bucky was pulling Steve’s hand towards him.

**“Hell, no. You’re so… warm, and I could even feel a little --- I dunno, like you had a little prick. Look, you want proof I liked it?”** he snickered, peering down at his own crotch. Steve allowed his hand to be guided as he followed Bucky’s gaze.

There, prominently featured against the inside leg of his trousers, was a salacious tenting of fabric that made Steve’s lungs seize up again. Any yet, he didn’t stop his friend from manipulating his fingers to cup the girthy bulge. As soon as the tips made contact, Bucky let him go so he could explore on his own, biting back a halting sigh.

**_“A-ahh_ ** **, see?”** breathed Bucky, a noticeable hitch even to Steve’s ears. **“Maybe it’ll be better if you see what you do t’me first, huh?”**

Steve’s mouth parted a hair and he tried to focus on exhaling the breath he’d been holding, but the way Bucky’s body responded to him made that… hard. _Ehem._

He pressed along the ridge, curling around the trapped length, even as Bucky tensed and his already shallow panting sped up. Something in Steve’s grip twitched.

**“That’s good… you’re doin’ --** **_nh_ ** **\-- good, buddy. S-see how good you made me feel?”**

Bucky was doing his damnedest to keep his voice even-keeled, but he was stuttering, having to pause to let out faint noises between encouraging words.

_He really is liking this? I’m… I’m feeling Bucky’s_ **_cock_ ** _… and he’s liking it?_

**_“Holy moly,”_ ** whispered Steve. The ache in his loins fired right back to life, and if only to stifle the uncomfortable feeling without making Bucky go through any more trauma, he pushed his knees apart just slightly and furtively tucked the heel of his palm down. He just needed a little pressure, that’s all. Just to soothe the ache.

Bucky grunted, then cleared his throat, still trying to keep it cool. **“Yeah? D’ya like it?”**

Giddy, his head swimming, Steve glanced up at Bucky and a windblown grin stretched onto his features. He caught the other man staring at how Steve was slowly working him over, feeling him up, then down. Caught him biting his lip.

Steve nodded. **“Yeah,”** he repeated, before one moved towards the other in tandem. Unlike the previous times, however, Steve found his own lips moving to Bucky’s throat to kiss the heated, clean-shaven skin, and Bucky was cradling the back of his friend’s head.

**“F... _Fuuuh_ -ck, Steve, I…”** groaned Bucky, craning his neck back to give the blonde more access. It required no small amount of effort to lifted Steve’s mouth from the flesh he was layering in attention.

**“What’s wrong, Buck?”** he asked, more in a croak than anything. He pressed a little harder on Bucky’s cock, eliciting another hungry growl.

Bucky slipped his arm under Steve’s to try to nudge his fingers underneath the hand giving Steve himself some of that wonderful friction.

**“Please, lemme touch you again. You’re so godamn hot -- Please. I-I promise it’ll be good. I wanna touch that little dick of yours.”**

_Those are some high claims there, Barnes._

But… the way Bucky was asking -- begging him -- to get another feel, it… Well, jeez. It did things to his head. Made him want things he shouldn’t, or at least normally wouldn’t.

Plus, the thought of his… _whatever_ he had down there that Bucky was calling his ‘little dick’... Well, he’d never thought of it like that. It made him feel… better, somehow. Not a whole lot, but it was something. He wanted Bucky to keep calling it that, keep rubbing his miniature cock and making him feel more like the man they both knew he was.

Any maybe someday, he’d get to see what it was like rubbing their pricks _against_ each other's.

Terrified, yet horny as all hell, Steve let him through the proverbial front gates of Sodom, and immediately felt thick digits stroking down along his cleft. He whined and curled his lips back, before grazing his teeth against Bucky’s jugular. A feral dog starved within an inch of madness his whole life, and now he was finally getting a nice, juicy sliver of _meat..._

**“Fuck, yeah,** **_nnh-God,_ ** **Stevie, keep doing that! I can feel how hot you are, ah!”**

Bucky was right; Steve was on _fire_ downstairs, and as he rutted his hips into the touch of his best friend in the whole world, all he wanted was to let those fingers feel just how _soaked_ he was as well.


End file.
